These last few years have been shit in the reproductive department. Although, I guess it’s really been shit for more than that considering how long masses have reared their ugly heads from my ovaries. It seemed to be the final straw recently when the left one decided to join the party. I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that my doctor cut into it during my last surgery because it appeared to be an odd shape. I imagine all of the free floating endometrial flotsam found its way inside. I really don’t know. Either way, the new mass is large enough to make removal necessary…and I have to ask myself how many goddamn surgeries I’m willing to have during my reproductive years in the hopes of preserving a tree that will never healthfully bear fruit. I used to think that I would have to try IVF for myself one time or I’d wonder for the rest of my life. But, even if I did get pregnant, I really can’t imagine that a uterus fused to intestines would be a good environment for a developing human being. Given all of my problems, I probably shouldn’t be shitting in the gene pool anyway. The line my parents created surely should not continue. Maybe that’s all rationalization.
I made the decision, nonetheless, to have a total hysterectomy. It was an incredibly difficult decision that I’ve been preparing myself for over many years. Given all that I’ve been through with this disease, I think it’s fairly obvious that I’m fighting a losing battle. So, I’m raising my white flag. I surrender.
Odd as it is that I finally have come to terms with this, the one thing I didn’t prepare myself for was the reaction of others. It is mind boggling how our society views hysterectomies with such disdain. Some give me the ‘you gotta do what you gotta do’, but many act as if I haven’t given this any thought whatsoever and if I had, I surely would come to a different decision. Even the nurse who was scheduling my surgery asked me how old I was and explained to me what a hysterectomy was all over again as if I had no idea. What do people expect me to do? Should I suddenly change my mind with a new realization that I’m having a major organ removed? A hysterectomy isn’t an EASY procedure?? Oh my God! It’s like when people inform you that the east coast is going to be cold when you travel in winter. When I told my mother, she shat several bricks…although that’s really not a surprise. She said, “No! They’ll be taking out everything that makes you who you are!”. I informed her that it’s not a lobotomy. Hell, she’s insane anyway. But, still. My alternatives are to keep my organs and be on hormones to slow the painful progression or lose my organs and be on hormones to stave off menopause symptoms. Pain…hot flashes…pain…hot flashes.
Why does our society have such a warped view of our reproductive organs? We remove them from our animals without a second thought. I’ll never use mine for what they were intended, so what’s the big deal? I’ll adopt a baby who needs a family instead of having my own. I’ll stop having periods…no big loss there. I can’t imagine how anyone would think that it makes you less of a woman. It’s not like they’re removing my genitalia while they’re there. Although, it would be nice if they could remove some of my belly fat.