These last few years have been a veritable shit storm. It seems like one awful thing after another keeps befalling us and I don’t have a clue how to get through it all…other than taking one shit-tastic step at a time. My Fruitpie has been sick for months, my boy just had another surgery. I don’t feel so bad having put him through it now that it’s over. The tumors were hurting him so much and aside from hating his lampshade, he is a happy boy. I’ve been trying to pass the time while waiting for school to start…and trying to ignore the increasing pain from this goddamn endo for the last few months. I finally broke down and made an ultrasound appointment only to discover that I have a 4cm cyst on my left ovary. My “good” ovary. Even when the right one went to shit, I told myself that I still had the unscathed left one. Now the cosmos has made the decision for me. I’ve been in emotional denial over not bringing life into this world through my own body. I kept thinking that maybe someday there will be a breakthrough. Maybe I could get good eggs and save them until then…even though I know that I have shitty genes and probably should never have a ‘little me’ running around. Still. I wanted to feel life inside me. I wanted to see pieces of myself reflected in another human being…even though I know that there are precious few good pieces of myself and my child would probably not get any of them. So, I give up. I can have surgery to remove the cyst, take birth control pills and “wait to see” or just take out the whole goddamn mess of faulty equipment. I’m seriously leaning toward the latter. I’m tired of being in pain…and I’m tired of expending so much energy hiding the fact from myself that I am in so much pain all the time. I try to mask it with enough ibuprofen and naproxen to kill a horse every day and yet it keeps getting worse and worse. If I keep this up, I’ll probably just cause catastrophic damage to my other organs from the goddamn pain killers on top of everything else.
I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself. But, I think I have a little room to. I’ve lost one of the few things I really looked forward to as a child. I always thought I’d be pregnant someday. I can’t explain it. I know everyone says it’s miserable and more trouble than it’s worth…but, I wanted to have it. I wanted the whole damned thing. But, here I am. 29. Shitty genes. Defective body. I may as well just take it all out now and save myself more years of pain and suffering for want of something I’ll never have. I’ll have my babies. I just have to find another way. Goddamnit.