The sky has been covered with rain clouds that seem to be looming just outside of the valley. In the hills on the way to work, the sun through the fog in the mountains looked like one of those inspirational greeting cards with bible verses printed in the lower left. I’ve been wishing for rain since the first drops fell on Saturday night. Just as quickly as the showers came, they slipped off into the night leaving only the smell of slightly damp dogs.
I have the urge to paint the fuzzy images they leave in my head. I can picture the burnt umber and ultramarine blue mixing to make the grey of the clouds and the blue of the foothills…just before the storm hits and rain falls in my head in endless sheets.
I have been trying to clean the house since I got home today, and I am just hopelessly distracted by the noise in my head. Usually the xm station diffuses the cacauphony, but even this proves futile lately. Something is off…and it has been for days. I don’t know what it is, and if I did I probably couldn’t fix it. I feel lost…like I’m meandering through endless trails in my head…misreading my maps and getting even more trapped in a maze I am sure I have gotten out of before. It’s days like this that make me feel like I am a little insane…just hoping that the real me will step out of the shadows and set things right. It’s thoughts like this that can drive me crazy for hours…wondering if I really am that complex or just think I am…like smoke and mirrors disguising a four wall room with a burnt out bulb.
PMS must have set in. I felt that signature pinch from my ovaries, letting me know that they’re still chugging away…spitting another one out into the darkness to deliver days of pain and weepy anger. Maybe I should just take another pill…or maybe I should stop hoping that a little capsule of a mind altering drug will somehow magically make me a functional human being.