Random Acts

I hadn’t realized how much nervousness I had built up around going back to the hospice to pick up my stuff. I think I still may have left some things. It’s hard to say what had been accumulated in the six months I was there. It was almost exactly six months come to think of it. Even with the bad days and the couple of people who drove me to craziness or nausea, I will miss a good amount of the people there. As KJ said yesterday, though, “It’s just a job”. It’s true. I wasn’t there to make friends and I am pleasantly surprised that I did.
I am still adjusting to the fact that I am home and able to take care of my family. The girls are sleeping happily at my feet and the boys are sitting in the windows I have open all over the house. I can’t remember the last time I opened windows. I’m usually nervous about people looking in, but, it hasn’t even crossed my mind lately. I don’t know if it’s the zoloft or the confidence I gained from finding my niche, but for the first time in a long time I feel good.
I’m going to work outside a little today…maybe go to Lowe’s and price out trellises for the nightshade I planted outside. My front yard is finally looking good, my house is mostly clean and my Fruit went off to work with lunch, coffee and a kiss.

Even though I went to say goodbye to my former coworkers today, I feel like the six months away from being a housewife never happened. I’ve been in constant motion taking care of this place, and even on the down time I seem to catch up on stuff. I’m not quite good at the shopping yet, but I did go to costco this afternoon.
Visiting the hospice was not as bad as I had thought it would be. The people I saw were outraged that TPoS fired me, and I assured them that it was really ok. I didn’t want to see him, but he still had to snag me and talk to me. I thought that the termination meant that they wouldn’t want my services, but I told him I’d be willing to work on projects from home if they can work out something fair. It probably wasn’t his intention to keep giving me work, but I think there has been quite a lot of commotion from the people I supported. I really am going to miss them, but I feel healthier already with my clean house, happy family and breezes coming through the window. How can anybody work happily without a window?
When I went into my office, the turd was indifferent as ever. I had a constant parade of people coming in and out of my office as I cleaned off my desk. The pepper seeds I planted greeted me with two little sprouts showing their leaves, and I felt like it was a sign of good things ahead. I know I made the right decision, and feel so much better knowing that I made friends along the way.
I started the recipe blog my fruit requested today, and I’m getting ready to put the salmon in the oven. I still haven’t gotten the cooking of fish down, but I’m a much better cook now than I had ever been before we met.

It’s been a long and relaxing weekend and I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels to be home. TPoS called on Friday afternoon to tell me they’ve decided that it would be my last day…which made it a little awkward going to my friend’s wedding on Saturday. I knew there would be work people there, and I had thought it would be a lot more than it was. There were apparently two weddings that day from the office and the one everyone was talking about was for someone I don’t know too well. I was actually honored that of all the coworkers she invited, I was among them. There were only four others there, although her boss invited a nurse as his date. It was a good group of people and a beautiful wedding. Fruit and I actually had a great time, and I had a chance to say goodbye properly to a few of my former coworkers. I think the hardest part of leaving that place, as I’m sure I’ve said before, is the people I have become friends with. The nurses there said that they wouldn’t have anybody now that I’m gone…which could just be a way of making me feel better, but it was certainly good for my ego to know that I will be missed. I’m going by the office later to pick up my things, and I have a feeling they’ll have me escorted and watched like a criminal as I pack up my office. Luckily, I didn’t have anything other than pictures and the like. No matter how much job security I have, I’m never comfortable leaving personal things around. The one thing that I really dread about going, though, is that TPoS will be there. What an asshole.
Anyway, my life is rebuilding itself more quickly than I could have anticipated. My house is actually comfortable and I don’t think I’d be embarassed to have company now…which is certainly an improvement from this time last week. I am more focused and settled this time around, and so happy to have my family to take care of.

I’ve been wandering around a bit aimlessly this morning. I think I worked myself so hard yesterday that I must have killed some brain cells or something. I’m exhausted and can’t quite focus on just one thing. There is so much to be done. Clothes need to be put away and random other things need to be cleaned. There’s a pile of misfits on the laundry room floor that I haven’t been able to work into a full load. If the colors were even remotely similar, I’d do them all together…but, that is not an option and they’ve probably been on the floor for months. I keep telling myself to run a small load, but it always seems like such a waste not to do a bunch of clothes at once. Most of what’s left are things that Nut peed on…things I would almost rather throw away than into my washing machine.
All that aside, I’m happy to be home. There are countless images in my head that I’ve been wanting to paint. Some are no more than blurry jumbles of color that present themselves while I’m driving or looking outside. The whole of it is intangible, but I can feel the dark greens, reds and blues independent of their final destination. Like writing, I feel like I need to get it out before it consumes me. Good or bad, it will consume me until it can come out from behind my eyes and be finished. I so want to finish a project…there are so many I’ve started and abandoned…and I always want to start something else when I’m so close to being done. It’s worse than procrastination.
Speaking of which, I have a house to attend to and I fear that I may just fall asleep on the couch instead of doing any number of things I have to accomplish.

If it’s spring fever, then I must have summer flu. I came home early today…told them I had a migraine and had to come home. I doubt anyone noticed that I never came back from lunch…and what are they gonna do? Fire me? In the four hours I was at work, I spoke to a half dozen people and partially rearranged the layout of the training proficiency test. In the four hours I’ve been home, I slow roasted a chuck roast on the grill, replaced the propane tank, washed the dishes and soaked the coffee stained glassware in vinegar, mashed potatoes, ran two loads of laundry, mopped the floor and took out the trash. I think the latter is way more impressive and important than the former. I still have way more to do before my Fruit gets home. I have corn to nuke, a couple rooms to vacuum, clothes to hang and towels to fold…and if I can squeeze a little sex in before the night is through, I will be an eternally happy woman.

I have had a fairly constant stream of mid-level leadership coming into my office to ask me to reconsider leaving. They ask if it’s because of TPoS or the Turd. They ask what it would take to get me to stay because I’ve been the only one in this department who is knowledgeable and approachable. If I do tell them what I want, the make negative comments about upper management. I know this is a non-profit and as such the salary ranges are lower. I just don’t feel that making $15 an hour is sufficient for maintaining and supporting a SQL database, writing queries and ensuring data integrity…in addition to cleaning up Turd’s messes and apologizing for TPoS. Speaking of That Piece of Shit, he came into my office yesterday and was telling me about how bad the backup situation was when he started here. Apparently, they had an old glorified workstation with detachable hard drives that Turd would take home with him every couple days. It reminds me a bit of ANuS’ backup solutions. He said that Turd didn’t seem phased by it at all and in the same breath how much he likes the guy. I said that there’s a big difference between being a good person and being good at ones job. A system admin in the health care industry making upwards of 50k should know better than to have a shitty backup solution for a mission critical database containing patient information. I don’t care if you’re the goddamn Dali Lama, if you can’t ensure that your data is safe, you don’t deserve the position. I was not a good sysadmin. I had trouble implementing solutions and couldn’t get my head around the business of routing and connectivity. But, I was good at seeing the big picture…knowing what needed to be done whether or not I knew how to do it. It took me a few years to be able to say that, but there it is. On the other hand, I really enjoy the database world. Hyperfocusing is actually a good quality to have, and the logical flow of tables and relationships between them just makes me giddy. It’s geeky, I know, but I can’t quite describe how great it feels to write a long line of code, press that little exclamation mark and see it all come together beautifully. It’s an art…and art can be done anywhere. I guess I’m not necessarily in a position to be making demands, but my family needs me and they need me to be happy. So, there it is. If they don’t like it, I’ll be more than happy to pack up my things and head on home.

I sent a letter to TPoS and HR yesterday stating that I would be willing to work per diem given that they pay me what I’m worth rather than the salary I am making now. The short reply I received shortly thereafter was that HR will research how much a Systems Analyst makes. I am itching to find out the verdict. TPoS told me that he hopes to find someone of my caliber, but I don’t think he fully realizes that said person will not come cheap. In a way, I still feel bad. While I’m here and talking to the people I respect, I feel a pang of sadness or guilt…not sure what the emotion is exactly but it’s definitely a pang. I get here in the morning and Kdawg has a bottle of Deja Blue on my desk to keep me from drinking the vileness we have in the kitchen. Night nurses come in to tell me how my spyware tips saved their home computers or ask me various other questions. I get countless calls, numerous questions…and enough crap by 9:00 that I’m completely done and ready to go home. It’s hard for me to walk away when I know I’m needed. But, when I’m home…the second I walk through that door to full body wags, squeaks, meows and kisses…it’s the only place in the world I want to be…the only thing that matters.
I got home at sixish last night after stopping at PetSmart to pick up canned food. The kitchen floor was a mess from the little Nut and Mags was all ready to go outside. The house was a disaster, and before I could do anything else, I had to mop the floor and put fresh pads down for Nut. From the time I finished that, I was cooking and cleaning until my Fruit came home much later. The quick dinner became slow cooked, and the stench I had come home to was completely replaced with the help of steak, adobo and incense. My Fruit was so happy when she came home that I was ready to call the office and tell them I won’t be coming back. My home is a full time job…and there just isn’t any room for this place in my life.

I think I’m mentally done with this place now. I have way too much work to do at home to really make my work here feel important. I feel a little bad about that. I want to leave quietly…just pack up my things and slip away. I’m pretty good at that, actually. It is actually a bit easier that way…if not a bit cowardly. There have been a few occasions on which I just ended the day as usual and never returned. The employers always come up with the same story of my finding greener pastures…a better opportunity…more money. Just once I would like them to make an announcement of truth. “She was fed up with our bullshit” or “She was too autonomous for our needs”. When my friend left, they made up some crap about her finding a better job elsewhere or something. Everyone knew it was bullshit, but nobody said anything. I think the saddest part of the whole thing is that this is one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. Aside from TPoS and TurdBoy, I like the SQL work I do and the database support. I could do without some of the petty user shit, but the root of the problem usually has less to do with their tablets and more to do with them as a person…needing human contact or some sense of neutrality. I think I’ve done a good job of developing a much more human approach to the way I work, and I’ve made more friends here than I ever have at a job…at least an office job. That aside, I wouldn’t be the least bit upset if they came in right now and told me to go home.
I spent the weekend trying to get my mind in order. The new high dose of pills has been trickling into my brain and I’m finally feeling like I can concentrate on things and get something done for a change. I was able to clean the kitchen yesterday and make my fruit some pancakes.
It’s only 10:24, and TPoS just came in and managed to piss me off in a matter of minutes.

I got lazy about my pills the past couple of weeks and ended up running out before I could get in for a refill. I am not very fond of my doctor, and really just want to get a slip of paper and be on my way. They’re moving to Wildomar now, so I finally have an excuse to get another doctor. Not that I needed one, but I’m lazy and don’t like meeting new people. Especially people to whom I have to divulge the intimate details of my idiosyncratic ways. I haven’t been able to concentrate for shit for the past week and am surprised to have gotten anything at all done…like coffee in the morning or remembering to wipe my ass. Luckily, I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten the latter, but, the point has been made. I got to the office late this morning because of the whole doctor ordeal and am still waiting for the pills to kick in. I was having withdrawals yesterday in addition to my usual bleeding symptoms. My head is still spinning and I can very acutely feel and hear my heart pound when I am trying desperately not to count my steps or argue with the voices in my head. It’s a very fine line between functionality and insanity. Reading Mrs.Dalloway again recently reminded me of that…how easy it could be for someone to slip in…give way to the voices and feel validated in their conviction. When I was a teenager, I thought it would be a great experience to be in an insane assylum for a year…an anthropological study of the deluded…the sick…those who frighten the sane because we all know that it is a very, very fine line. It seems all too easy to lose touch with reality…because the simple act of questioning it can drive one across that border. Maybe I’m just predisposed…coming from a long line of packrats and hypochondriacs, agoraphobes, addicts…superiority complexes mixed with self-loathing.
Walking into the office today, I realized how much I hated it. The dingy walls and the filthy chairs shaped by countless asses. I couldn’t even sit down because I knew I would be pondering how many people had deflowered said chairs with countless methane deposits. My diminutive doctor cracked open the door and called my name, staring off into the room as if I hadn’t been the only one in there and was, in fact, part of a crowd. It got me questioning his sanity as I entered the office and told him of my symptoms. Yes, I still count my steps on occasion. Yes, I still wash my hands frequently at work and am afraid on some level to touch the handles of shopping carts. I am easily distracted, and focus so hard on things that time escapes me. I have mood swings. But, I’m much better than when I’m not taking anything at all.
If I’m not on the drugs, my life will fall apart. If I’m not chemically altered, I can’t get anything done…I’ll start numerous projects only to leave them unfinished. I’ll be unable to get any work done because I won’t know where to begin. I’ll start in the middle because I can’t see the ends…and become obsessed with how easy it would be to cross that line…hop that fence…get lost in myself so deeply that I couldn’t possibly find my way back.

“…and I need to be patient and I need to be brave…
need to discover how I need to behave…
I’ll find out the answers when I know what to ask…
but, I speak a different language and everybody’s talking too fast”
– KT Tunstall

Ok, I usually don’t start with song lyrics (or ‘ok’ for that matter), but it’s been stuck in my head all morning. It’s going to be a long day. I put my official notice on TPoS’s desk and all hell has broken loose. I guess I should have waited until I told my friends what was going on, because he took it upon himself to have private chats about it before even talking to me. I’m really annoyed about it and now everyone is acting weird. I just don’t want to deal with the drama today…and I know there was no way around it. My family needs me at home. I need to be home.